Which is weird for me to say, because in general, I'm really good at reading people. More often than I'd like, I can tell that someone's lying to me. But that doesn't mean that I understand why they're lying to me. And I can't understand why some people act the way the act, think the way they think, or do the things they do.
These have been my thoughts recently. For the past month I've had these thoughts daily. They echo off the recesses of my brain and bounce, throwing me through loops. This is not pleasant. I'm going to break it down into parts, which are also kind of the events of the last month-ish.
Let's start with my roommates. One of them is okay, but she works really hard at her job and in school, so she is hardly ever here. I don't have many issues with her, and when I do we can talk calmly and amicably until we get it sorted out. The other two have made me change my way of thinking. I think of them as thirteen year olds. I know that sounds harsh, but I'm not saying it to be mean. If I look at them as children about to go into high school, I can better understand and deal with their actions. I am more patient. Now you should understand that this is not their faults.
One of them was home-schooled, so she didn't get the experiences I had in high school, dealing with and interacting with drama, fights and arguments, secrets and fears. I envy that in a way. So this is the first time she's had to deal with girls. I mean its four girls living in a house, everybody could see the conflicts and drama coming from miles away. But this girl has no idea how to deal with that, or how to see how her actions and words will affect those around her and those she cares about, and she has very little idea of how to take care of herself (and even less motivation to do so). Living with her has given me a really good idea of the pros and cons of homeschooling, and while I think I would like to home school my children, I would do a few things differently than her mother did, but I would do a lot of things the same too. But I guess that's the beauty of homeschooling, you can do things your way.
In a book I am reading, it was saying one of the secrets to being happy is having a mind that's open to everything and attached to nothing. I've recently gotten a lesson in this first hand, and I'm learning to adapt my way of thinking because of it. This girl, for instance, is a hermit. She wants to sit in her room and be on her computer. This makes her come across unreliable, in that she breaks plans. Big ones, small one, doesn't matter. And that is something that I cannot change. She does not know how to think about how others will be affected by her actions, which makes her seem like she doesn't care. I believe it has cost her many friends, and it will continue to put strain on her relationships until she realizes that all relationships take work, and trust. But that is her lesson to learn and it is not one that I can teach her. So I had to learn not to be attached to plans with her, the easiest way I've found to do that is to not make plans with her. It happens all the time to lots of people, you ask a friend to go somewhere and they back out at the last second, and eventually you just stop asking. What's the point right? I've been asking myself that too: What's the point? What's the point of having expectations of people at all, when more often than not they'll only let you down? And most importantly, what's the point in continuing to cultivate a friendship with someone who I don't trust, can't depend on, and who's actions all too often show me that she doesn't think about anyone but herself and her immediate family? Why should I bother to care if she doesn't? I try to push those feelings out of my mind, and tell myself that she DOES care and just doesn't always know how to show it.
I've also joined a book club and am in the process of joining a few other clubs in order to not only be out of the house as much as I can, but also to make new friends. I think that I am too reliant on her as a friend, which is why it bothered me so much to be hurt by her. I am unattaching myself from things, and while it may not be for the right reasons (I do it to protect myself from people hurting me and making me angry...) it does make me feel better. Once again, I have put my walls up. Now I just need to find a way to be free, but still protected.
My mother has always said that I give too much of myself to people, and she's right.
Now onto the other roommate. This one had overbearing parents who never let her out and never let anyone in to see her. I believe they also spoiled her. Not only in the sense that they gave her whatever she wanted (she has been taught that a tantrum is how to get what she wants, she does this both in the house, and with her boyfriend). They have also spoiled her in the sense that they have ruined her, at least in my opinion. She expects other people to clean up after her and do whatever she says, no discussion allowed. She's now having to learn that that doesn't fly. She has animals that she should not have and does not take care of, they would be much better off in other homes. I do believe she loves them though, she just doesn't know how to do what's best for them. She is one of the people who I will never understand. It did help to know that her parents kept her under lock and key her whole life though. I've had to adapt my way of interacting with her, mostly in that I cannot text her when I want her to do something or when she does something that bothers me, I need to talk to her in person. I also think its best for me to ask her to come out into the kitchen or living room, rather than talking to her when she's in her bedroom, and has no where to go. I think it makes her feel trapped, and more like she's being attacked, which just makes her defensive and nothing gets accomplished.
Now onto the thing that haunts me and makes me question so many things. Yesterday a Virginia Tech police officer was murdered on VT's campus by a Radford student who stole a car the day before in Radford. [You can read the full police report here.] This officer had a wife and five children, and the report says that he had no connections to his shooter. This baffles me. The shooter, Ross Truett Ashley, was a 22 year old Radford student. He stole a car on Wednesday, and it was found on Virginia Tech's SmartRoad on Thursday. So he drove it to Blacksburg, and then went to a middle part of Virginia Tech's campus. He had a gun and a backpack full of clothes, which he changed into after he shot the officer. He then ran into the student parking lot and shot himself. Clearly, he was not mentally sound. But the fact that he had the backpack makes me believe that it was premeditated. He went there to kill someone. But why officer Crouse? Out of the twenty thousand people on that campus, why a police officer sitting in his car? It doesn't add up. The whole thing smells of a cover-up to me, but maybe the guy just really hated police officers. Which leads me to ask why he would drive all the way to Virginia Tech and kill a school police officers when there were Radford University and City cops here? I highly doubt that Officer Crouse was the first police officer he came across. On this subject, I do not hope to know the answers. I do not believe that I will ever know or understand the true motives of this man, nor will anyone else since he took his own life. This was another example of senseless, meaningless, tragic violence. At least it happened in a community that knows how to deal with this, all too well after the April 16th Massacre. I find comfort in the fact that the community WILL rally around Officer Crouse's family. If you would like to help, there is a memorial fund set up for them, that you can donate to. [Information Here]
All of these thoughts have been weighing on me rather heavily. No doubt they will continue to do so, but I'm trying to be flexible and resilient, and to learn from and adapt to the situations that surround me now. It's not easy, and I'll admit that I'm on the countdown until I can move out (7 months and 3 weeks), but I have work to do before I can make the decision on where I want to go from here. Regardless, the only place to go, is up. I'm also working to understand myself and my wants and my feelings better.
Throughout this all, I have been so grateful for the two people in my life that I can trust and depend on 100%. One being my mother, of course. (My father too, but its not always easy to turn to him or to talk to him about things, especially emotions.) The other being my boss. But she's not only my boss, she's my mentor, my teacher, and my friend. Both my mother and I value her influence in my life more than any other person who lives where I live. I doubt I could keep my head on straight without her, because I talk to her about everything, and she always knows what to say to make me feel better. I love her deeply. She is family, and her family is my family now too.
I think its time to go to Florida. I have family there too, not the kind I'm related to though, better than that because I chose them to be my family. I call them my wife and my husband, we joke that I'm married to them. [Backstory: I dated a guy who worked with husband, and he said he wanted to marry me, and I confided in husband and wife that I didn't feel right about it, and so they offered to let me marry them instead, they were better and who needs him anyhow. He was a jerk.] They also have two beautiful children, and I think I need some time down there with them. They're good for me. They're good to me too. They're good people. Unfortunately I think the earliest that will be possible will be spring break. But hey, its something to look forward to, right?
Its a full moon tomorrow night, btw.
Speaking of moons, its time for me to go to sleep now. Goodnight, moon.
These have been my thoughts recently. For the past month I've had these thoughts daily. They echo off the recesses of my brain and bounce, throwing me through loops. This is not pleasant. I'm going to break it down into parts, which are also kind of the events of the last month-ish.
Let's start with my roommates. One of them is okay, but she works really hard at her job and in school, so she is hardly ever here. I don't have many issues with her, and when I do we can talk calmly and amicably until we get it sorted out. The other two have made me change my way of thinking. I think of them as thirteen year olds. I know that sounds harsh, but I'm not saying it to be mean. If I look at them as children about to go into high school, I can better understand and deal with their actions. I am more patient. Now you should understand that this is not their faults.
One of them was home-schooled, so she didn't get the experiences I had in high school, dealing with and interacting with drama, fights and arguments, secrets and fears. I envy that in a way. So this is the first time she's had to deal with girls. I mean its four girls living in a house, everybody could see the conflicts and drama coming from miles away. But this girl has no idea how to deal with that, or how to see how her actions and words will affect those around her and those she cares about, and she has very little idea of how to take care of herself (and even less motivation to do so). Living with her has given me a really good idea of the pros and cons of homeschooling, and while I think I would like to home school my children, I would do a few things differently than her mother did, but I would do a lot of things the same too. But I guess that's the beauty of homeschooling, you can do things your way.
In a book I am reading, it was saying one of the secrets to being happy is having a mind that's open to everything and attached to nothing. I've recently gotten a lesson in this first hand, and I'm learning to adapt my way of thinking because of it. This girl, for instance, is a hermit. She wants to sit in her room and be on her computer. This makes her come across unreliable, in that she breaks plans. Big ones, small one, doesn't matter. And that is something that I cannot change. She does not know how to think about how others will be affected by her actions, which makes her seem like she doesn't care. I believe it has cost her many friends, and it will continue to put strain on her relationships until she realizes that all relationships take work, and trust. But that is her lesson to learn and it is not one that I can teach her. So I had to learn not to be attached to plans with her, the easiest way I've found to do that is to not make plans with her. It happens all the time to lots of people, you ask a friend to go somewhere and they back out at the last second, and eventually you just stop asking. What's the point right? I've been asking myself that too: What's the point? What's the point of having expectations of people at all, when more often than not they'll only let you down? And most importantly, what's the point in continuing to cultivate a friendship with someone who I don't trust, can't depend on, and who's actions all too often show me that she doesn't think about anyone but herself and her immediate family? Why should I bother to care if she doesn't? I try to push those feelings out of my mind, and tell myself that she DOES care and just doesn't always know how to show it.
I've also joined a book club and am in the process of joining a few other clubs in order to not only be out of the house as much as I can, but also to make new friends. I think that I am too reliant on her as a friend, which is why it bothered me so much to be hurt by her. I am unattaching myself from things, and while it may not be for the right reasons (I do it to protect myself from people hurting me and making me angry...) it does make me feel better. Once again, I have put my walls up. Now I just need to find a way to be free, but still protected.
My mother has always said that I give too much of myself to people, and she's right.
Now onto the other roommate. This one had overbearing parents who never let her out and never let anyone in to see her. I believe they also spoiled her. Not only in the sense that they gave her whatever she wanted (she has been taught that a tantrum is how to get what she wants, she does this both in the house, and with her boyfriend). They have also spoiled her in the sense that they have ruined her, at least in my opinion. She expects other people to clean up after her and do whatever she says, no discussion allowed. She's now having to learn that that doesn't fly. She has animals that she should not have and does not take care of, they would be much better off in other homes. I do believe she loves them though, she just doesn't know how to do what's best for them. She is one of the people who I will never understand. It did help to know that her parents kept her under lock and key her whole life though. I've had to adapt my way of interacting with her, mostly in that I cannot text her when I want her to do something or when she does something that bothers me, I need to talk to her in person. I also think its best for me to ask her to come out into the kitchen or living room, rather than talking to her when she's in her bedroom, and has no where to go. I think it makes her feel trapped, and more like she's being attacked, which just makes her defensive and nothing gets accomplished.
Now onto the thing that haunts me and makes me question so many things. Yesterday a Virginia Tech police officer was murdered on VT's campus by a Radford student who stole a car the day before in Radford. [You can read the full police report here.] This officer had a wife and five children, and the report says that he had no connections to his shooter. This baffles me. The shooter, Ross Truett Ashley, was a 22 year old Radford student. He stole a car on Wednesday, and it was found on Virginia Tech's SmartRoad on Thursday. So he drove it to Blacksburg, and then went to a middle part of Virginia Tech's campus. He had a gun and a backpack full of clothes, which he changed into after he shot the officer. He then ran into the student parking lot and shot himself. Clearly, he was not mentally sound. But the fact that he had the backpack makes me believe that it was premeditated. He went there to kill someone. But why officer Crouse? Out of the twenty thousand people on that campus, why a police officer sitting in his car? It doesn't add up. The whole thing smells of a cover-up to me, but maybe the guy just really hated police officers. Which leads me to ask why he would drive all the way to Virginia Tech and kill a school police officers when there were Radford University and City cops here? I highly doubt that Officer Crouse was the first police officer he came across. On this subject, I do not hope to know the answers. I do not believe that I will ever know or understand the true motives of this man, nor will anyone else since he took his own life. This was another example of senseless, meaningless, tragic violence. At least it happened in a community that knows how to deal with this, all too well after the April 16th Massacre. I find comfort in the fact that the community WILL rally around Officer Crouse's family. If you would like to help, there is a memorial fund set up for them, that you can donate to. [Information Here]
All of these thoughts have been weighing on me rather heavily. No doubt they will continue to do so, but I'm trying to be flexible and resilient, and to learn from and adapt to the situations that surround me now. It's not easy, and I'll admit that I'm on the countdown until I can move out (7 months and 3 weeks), but I have work to do before I can make the decision on where I want to go from here. Regardless, the only place to go, is up. I'm also working to understand myself and my wants and my feelings better.
Throughout this all, I have been so grateful for the two people in my life that I can trust and depend on 100%. One being my mother, of course. (My father too, but its not always easy to turn to him or to talk to him about things, especially emotions.) The other being my boss. But she's not only my boss, she's my mentor, my teacher, and my friend. Both my mother and I value her influence in my life more than any other person who lives where I live. I doubt I could keep my head on straight without her, because I talk to her about everything, and she always knows what to say to make me feel better. I love her deeply. She is family, and her family is my family now too.
I think its time to go to Florida. I have family there too, not the kind I'm related to though, better than that because I chose them to be my family. I call them my wife and my husband, we joke that I'm married to them. [Backstory: I dated a guy who worked with husband, and he said he wanted to marry me, and I confided in husband and wife that I didn't feel right about it, and so they offered to let me marry them instead, they were better and who needs him anyhow. He was a jerk.] They also have two beautiful children, and I think I need some time down there with them. They're good for me. They're good to me too. They're good people. Unfortunately I think the earliest that will be possible will be spring break. But hey, its something to look forward to, right?
Its a full moon tomorrow night, btw.
Speaking of moons, its time for me to go to sleep now. Goodnight, moon.
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