Tuesday, May 8, 2012

we do it over, and over, and over again

there has been so much loss in my life lately. the first came out of the blue, to a man that i took for granted was always there, a soldier, and a goofball, and a good friend. i had known him so long, had so many meaningful conversations and funny memories with, and then he just... left. and i know that i need to respect and honor his decision, but it breaks my heart that he felt that death was his best choice. i don't know how, i don't know why... but i would have been there for him. i would have helped him. he didn't tell me. i have my assumptions, my theories, on why, but since i'll never know it doesn't really matter. my heart is broken, losing this friend. and i know he's here, and he's watching and he sees how much we all love him and how sad we are to lose him. 

the second one was just last night, my uncle passed on. this one does not make me feel as sad, it makes me feel relieved. relieved that he is finally free. free from the pain and the disease and the prison that his body created. i'm worried for my aunt, but i believe that now she can be free too. her whole life has been taking care of her dying husband. loving him and caring for him, everything he needed, staying with him until the very end. but now she, too, is free from that awful disease. i'm worried for my cousins, who just lost their father, and grandfather. i'm sad for their loss. but to me, he's been gone. i told him i loved him and accepted that i believed the best thing for him was to pass on. so i'm glad that he has. i just hope my family's hearts grieve and begin to heal, and that they know i'm there for them, and that they know how important it is for them to be there for each other. 

i've cried a lot over these losses, even when i'm asleep. but i'm working on working through the feelings and letting the healing happen naturally. i'm okay. i'm sad sometimes, but i'm okay. i've started a new, crappy, job, but it's full time and i need the money. and its temporary. maybe just until august. they don't know that though... oh well. the job isn't so bad, and some of the people are real nice. it's gonna take some getting used to. the only things that seem solid are (shockingly!) my love life, and my spiritual life. i'm really happy with my boy, we're gonna move in together when my lease is up in august. i can not wait. little doggie will like it too, if the cat doesn't kill her. spiritually, i'm working hard on becoming the best person i can be, the person i want to be... and i think its about to get really interesting. i'm excited. gotta work hard though. you get what you give and all. oh, and getting a degree in a week, finally. i fear i will never get done with all this school. whew. what a ride it has been too. and the changes are just beginning. 

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