we do it over, and over, and over again

there has been so much loss in my life lately. the first came out of the blue, to a man that i took for granted was always there, a soldier, and a goofball, and a good friend. i had known him so long, had so many meaningful conversations and funny memories with, and then he just... left. and i know that i need to respect and honor his decision, but it breaks my heart that he felt that death was his best choice. i don't know how, i don't know why... but i would have been there for him. i would have helped him. he didn't tell me. i have my assumptions, my theories, on why, but since i'll never know it doesn't really matter. my heart is broken, losing this friend. and i know he's here, and he's watching and he sees how much we all love him and how sad we are to lose him. 

the second one was just last night, my uncle passed on. this one does not make me feel as sad, it makes me feel relieved. relieved that he is finally free. free from the pain and the disease and the prison that his body created. i'm worried for my aunt, but i believe that now she can be free too. her whole life has been taking care of her dying husband. loving him and caring for him, everything he needed, staying with him until the very end. but now she, too, is free from that awful disease. i'm worried for my cousins, who just lost their father, and grandfather. i'm sad for their loss. but to me, he's been gone. i told him i loved him and accepted that i believed the best thing for him was to pass on. so i'm glad that he has. i just hope my family's hearts grieve and begin to heal, and that they know i'm there for them, and that they know how important it is for them to be there for each other. 


i've cried a lot over these losses, even when i'm asleep. but i'm working on working through the feelings and letting the healing happen naturally. i'm okay. i'm sad sometimes, but i'm okay. i've started a new, crappy, job, but it's full time and i need the money. and its temporary. maybe just until august. they don't know that though... oh well. the job isn't so bad, and some of the people are real nice. it's gonna take some getting used to. the only things that seem solid are (shockingly!) my love life, and my spiritual life. i'm really happy with my boy, we're gonna move in together when my lease is up in august. i can not wait. little doggie will like it too, if the cat doesn't kill her. spiritually, i'm working hard on becoming the best person i can be, the person i want to be... and i think its about to get really interesting. i'm excited. gotta work hard though. you get what you give and all. oh, and getting a degree in a week, finally. i fear i will never get done with all this school. whew. what a ride it has been too. and the changes are just beginning. 

adventures in the world of awful roommates

Hate might even be too nice of a word. As you might have noticed from my previous posts, our house is a freaking pigsty. I'm not kidding. The smell is so bad it makes me gag. There's consistently dog crap and pee on the floor and the kitchen is downright unusable because there are always dishes in the sink and on the counter. 

Now, I have three roommates. A, B, C. 
A is a slob, but she keeps it all in her room, in her space. She never does anything that bothers anyone or gets in anyone's way. Great. Fine. No problem. 
B says that she is a neat freak. Her room is usually a disaster, but whatever that's her space, when it bothers her she cleans it. 
C is downright disgusting, has no idea how to clean up after herself, and literally expects other people to do it. 

Since I moved in last August, we have had at least 3 "house meetings", trying to work out issues, almost always dealing with cleaning. Anytime we come to any kind of conclusion, it is basically ignored and nothing changes. At one point, C printed out a chore chart and stuck it on the fridge. She never approached me (idk if she asked anyone else), never asked me if I agreed to a chore chart, never asked me if I would follow it. Just stuck it up there and expected me to clean up after everyone else according to what she deemed my chore for that week. So, I ignored it, and continued to do what I always do, and clean up after myself immaculately. You have to understand, I hand wash and put away every single dish I use. Literally NONE of the mess in the common areas belongs to me, therefore I will not clean it up. I live with three ADULT women, and they should each be responsible for their own mess. 

Well, nothing was working. So two weeks ago I sat down with B, and talked to her about the dishes and laundry. I was told that she was just as frustrated with the mess as I was, and that absolutely none of it was hers, that it was all C. 

So I came up with some solutions. One being that we divided the days of the week into equal parts, two days for B, two days for C, two days for me, and one day for A since she never does laundry anyways. And those two days would be our days to use the washing machine and dryer to do our laundry. I also suggested that we agree not to leave dishes in the sink for more than 24 hours, and that anything left longer than that would be put into whoever's bedroom the mess belonged to. For example, if C had a stack of plates in the sink for two days, we would put them in a trash bag or something (for protection from the animals) and put in her room until she had the time to clean them. When I was sitting down talking to B, she agreed to these things and said she would talk to C about which days she wanted.

Two weeks go by. C has started to clean the kitchen and the living room carpet (which was quite literally saturated with pee). I think that's great. But I also think that we need some kind of standard, or rules, so that things STAY consistently clean. So today I sent out a facebook message asking which days everyone wanted, and making my suggestion for a solution to the dishes. I am going to copy and paste my message, as well as every one's response. I am not going to change or edit them, except to protect names.

MY MESSAGE: 

Hey everyone. I am going to make a chart of which days are who's for laundry. So far, I know A would take Mondays, and I'll take Sundays and Thursdays, leaving two days for B, and two days for C. If you could let me know which days you want, I'll have the chart ready to be signed by everyone and hung above the machines tomorrow when I get home from house-sitting. If you don't want things you leave in/on the machines put on your bed, then please either have a hamper, or if you'd like, the clothes can be put in a trash bag (for protection) and placed in your room. If an emergency comes up, then let's say we just ask whoever's day it is to use the machines, and we get our things out as soon as they are done.

As far as the dishes go, at this point any sort of division of responsibilities isn't working, and its clear that everyone needs to be responsible for cleaning up their own mess. I propose that we set a 24 hour limit to dishes in the sink, and if they are not cleaned up after that time, they too can be placed in a trash bag (again, for protection) and put in each individual's room until that person has time to deal with them. This is because the kitchen is unusable with dishes piled in and around the sink. Since we have so little counter space as it is, A and I will clean out the stuff we aren't using in the cabinets so that we can put things on the counter's away and keep the counter space clean and clear.

I think that these solutions will help to lower frustration levels and make the common areas more equally useable by everyone. I'm trying to keep this as low-drama as possible, but we really do need some sort of structure, and everyone's cooperation is important.

Please send me your choices of laundry days ASAP, as well as you're "okay" on the other plans, and then we can give them a shot starting tomorrow. Thanks (: See you tomorrow.

-------------------------------------------- 

A's RESPONSE: 

Okay that sounds great! :) I'll totally take Mondays! See you tomorrow! 

 -------------------------------------------- 

C's RESPONSE #1:  

NO! "I want to keep this drama-free" is a load of crap and i'll give you a big fat "fuck you" in response

This is bullshit. Maybe the others will bend over and take it in the ass from you and be satisfied with hating your guts later but you know that shit wont fly with me. You knew I don't put up with your crap.

C's RESPONSE #2:

You may put my cloths on top of the dryer or on my bed as previously agreed upon.

I know you've fried whatever brain cells you had but try and tap into that memory one and remember that i already made a chart. for chores and you and your coniving, sneaky little ways refused to do them and forcedA  to refuse to.

Dishes got alil packed lately bcuz B wants to eat healthier, if you need a definition of "healthier" let me know, so they got alil stacked up. Shes working on it.
I know your employer and i guess everywhere else you live has been just a step down from the ritz but we have a shit-ton of counter space! If I can watch B  make chicken cassarole with every vegetable god put on this earth, eggs cooked in a seperate pan, shit diced and chopped, etc with the same counter, the world will move on without another attempt at dic(k)tatorism in this house.

I did the dishes yesterday and B  did them the beginging of last week and my guest started doing them at the end of last week. The picture is attached. We have shit to do on a daily basis and don't have time to think how we can piss others off today.

You wanna talk about a problem try bringing up your decision to not paint your room back? and let me just answer that for you, you're going to and if you decide not to still, i will paint it for you the way it is now including all your crap in the room.

You put one dish in my room or anyone elses i will take that dish and instead of breaking it because it may be one of mine i will use it in the middle of the night..lets say 2-4am? right out side your window or door to make sure your know exactly what i wish i could hear when you tell me what to do.

We couldn't keep from starting shit could we? You knew what would happen and for your future's sake i hope you relize your running out of ppl to bend over for you.

 

 --------------------------------------------

At this point, A and I leave and go to the house, to try to talk to C in person. I realized that any kind of response from me was just going to make her blow up more. So I go to the house, get A to record the entire conversation on video, and talk to her. B is out of town, and I am told that C was messaging her the entire conversation keeping her up to date. I don't know what she said or what B's response was, and I don't even want to think about it, because I'm sure it will make me feel teamed up on. As soon as I received the original response from C, I tried to call B but she's out of range so I was only able to text her. I told her C was blowing up and that I didn't know what to do. She said just to leave her alone. I told her that I was going to try to get C to talk things out with me calmly, but that if she wouldn't then I would call our landlord and have him come mediate, since he is the only one that has any kind of authority over us. She didn't respond. 

So I go to the house, and I tell C that I would really like to sit down and work things out, since she was clearly upset and that was not my intention. She agrees and we start the camera running (what better to keep someone on their best behavior than the possibility of lots of people seeing them act like a child?). It takes me AN HOUR AND A HALF to get her to agree to give me ONE day a week to do my laundry without other people trying to compete over the use of the machines (luckily both B and C are out of the house basically all day Thursdays, so that is my day) and to keep HALF of the sink clean of dishes so that the faucet could be used. I explained to her why I didn't follow her chore chart, and that when I move out I'm moving 100 miles away and not coming back to paint, and that I had offered to hire someone or buy the paint for them or their new roommate if any of them wanted to paint it, but that I was planning on moving in one big trip and wasn't coming back. She was okay with that, and with me buying the paint for them to paint. It took a while, but I felt like she was okay when we left.

So I get back to the house I'm watching over spring break, and have this message in my inbox from B.

B's RESPONSE: 

Ok, [ME], you had to start something without asking if I had discussed things with C. You haven't even been home this week to see that C  has been doing dishes and working really hard to clean the living room. As far as dividing chores up, I would like you to recall that we tried that once and you didn't like it. We had a perfectly good chore chart, but you didn't like it because you didn't make it. The idea of bagging up dishes and placing them in someone elses room is disgusting. If they are in your way, put them somewhere else. I'm not entirely sure why the mess bothers you because you never come out and use the "common areas".

If you feel the need to get [landlord] involved, go for it.

 --------------------------------------------

I decided that continuing in the shared message was just going to cause already solved problems to escalate, so I sent her a private message. It's long, but this is what I said: (names excluded, or replaced with letters)

My PRIVATE RESPONSE to B:

I just sat down and spent an hour and a half talking this out with C , but I just got back and saw your response and I'm not sure where it came from.

I hear one thing from you and the completely opposite thing from her. She says its you, you say its her.

I don't use the common areas because they're disgusting, yet i pay for a quarter of an apartment not a bedroom.

and I wanted a chart saying "____ monday, ____ tuesday, _____ thursday..." as in saying which two days were whos to use the washing machine, not that anyone should do anyone else's laundry. not a chore chart. just an equal division of time to use the common machines. I think i have the right to use the common areas. i think that every person has the right to an equal amount of time to use the washing machine.

the reason i didn't follow C's previous chore chart was because I was not even asked if i agreed to it, and i never agreed to it, and the entire time it was up i continued to clean up only after myself, which i do. No one ever came to me and said "we should have a chore chart, will you agree to divide the responsibilities", y'all just printed one out and stuck it on the fridge and expected me to clean up after you without even telling me it was there. so I continued to do as i do and clean up after myself immaculately, you'll notice that NONE of the dishes or mess in the common areas are mine. at all. so i shouldn't be expected to clean up other peoples messes.

i didn't want to have to get [landlord] involved but if i can't even ask for two days a week to do my own laundry, and only get cussed at and threatened when i try to calmly talk to people who else am i supposed to turn to. you tell me that you're just as frustrated that i am, then attack me when i give suggestions for solutions. it took me an HOUR AND A HALF to get ONE day a week to do my laundry, and HALF a sink without dishes in them. yes i agree that putting them in a garbage bag is disgusting, but so it leaving them out in open air. the point of it was that i don't give a damn if you want to be disgusting, just keep it in your room and not in the common areas. since we all moved in, i have asked over and over and over in every way i can think of that people please just clean up after themselves and keep the common areas clean so that everyone can use them. and all that happens is i get screamed at, cussed at, threatened, then keep trying and finally get everyone to say ok, then everything we agree on is ignored and the disgusting-ness continues. and i'm called a dictator and told fuck you because i actively try to come up with solutions. i'm told that talking in person doesn't work so i try online thinking it would give people time to calm down before responding, and when that doesn't work i'm told to talk to people in person. I am trying REALLY hard to be calm, i don't call names, i don't threaten, i don't raise my voice or cuss or anything, yet i'm still the bad guy. and i really don't think its fair.

So after TWO WEEKS of trying many different ways to get everyone to make our apartment not embarrassingly disgusting (would you be comfortable with [landlord], or your parents coming in with the way the house usually is? cause i wouldn't) I'm content to compromise with one day a week to do my laundry and half of the sink left clear so the faucet is useable. I was not "starting things" I was trying to come up with some kind of standard so that now that things are finally getting cleaned they can STAY consistently clean.

I really feel attacked, and disrespected, and hurt because I don't think that I'm being unreasonable. I feel like i'm the only one trying to find permanent solutions and every single time i try all i get is a fight. And I feel like i'm the only one trying to fix any of the problems. I have tried lots of different ways, i tried all sitting down together, talking separately, talking on the phone or online, and again and again i just get told off..

C has told me that she prefers I talk to her individually, in her room. That's fine. What is the best for you? Because your response to this has completely caught me off guard, I was under the impression that you were equally as frustrated with the grossness, and that you agreed with my laundry solution. All I did was make a suggestion that we not leave our dirty dishes in common areas for more than 24 hours, and it took hours to get anyone to give any kind of suggestion for an alternate solution.

At this point I guess I've given up, I'm taking what I can get. But I'm still just blown away by everyone's response and behavior.

PLEASE understand that I'm not trying to fight with you. I was just really caught off guard by your responses, and am trying to be honest and level with you and understand, and since you're not available to talk it out in person I sent this. If its better, we can wait and sit down and talk when you get back.  

 --------------------------------------------

I know this has been a long rant y'all, but I just can't even comprehend why these people are responding and acting the way they are. This is not the first time this girl has blown up at me, cussing, name calling, and threatening me. I really don't think I'm being unreasonable, do you? Because for goodness sake someone PLEASE just be straight with me and tell me. B hasn't responded, and I guess I'm hoping she doesn't so that we can sit down and talk, but at this point if I'm getting opposite stories from B and C, why should I even bother trying if no one is going to be honest with me. I'm really upset about all of this, obviously, and even though I'm trying sooo hard to make things right, I feel like there's nothing else I can do but hang in there for the next few months. I'm really hoping to move out in may... maybe. Depends on if I can find a job or what. 

Responses are really welcome with this, please text me or message me or something and let me know what you think. I'm feeling really alone in this, and I'd love it if someone was on my side, or if someone would at least be honest with me and if I am being unreasonable then obviously I need to do some soul searching and figure out what I'm doing wrong and how to fix it. 

Doubt I'll be getting much sleep tonight.  

Ranting and Rambling

My roommates will not wash their dishes. I do not know why. It's quite simple actually. But for some reason, people in this house can't figure it out. We even have a dishwasher! But since Christmas, its only been two times that someone other than me ran and unloaded it. And as we're now seeing, rather than unload the dishwasher, everyone else just throws their dishes in the sink. And they sit there... and sit there... and sit there. If I use dishes and I don't want to (or in this case downright refuse to) unload the dishwasher (which honestly I only put maybe 15% of my dishes in the dishwasher, and hand wash the rest as I use it) ...which is my point, I don't put dishes in the sink, I just wash the bowl and fork I used and put them away. It takes maybe... 45 seconds. And it is beyond my comprehension that the other "adults" in this house can't and won't do this. The sink is UNUSABLE because it is full of dishes. And I don't think this is fair since all 4 of us should have the right to be able to use the kitchen to cook or even fill a water bottle. The floor is disgusting, the counter tops are filthy, but its the dishes that bother me the most. Just the dishes. Just clean up after yourself. So I just don't use the kitchen. I use my microwave, and have to wash my dishes in the bathroom since the kitchen sink is FULL OF DISHES. And since I don't use the kitchen, I refuse to clean it. You're supposed to be a "grown up" now, so GROW UP and CLEAN UP. You're disgusting. And selfish. And rude. 


In other news, I have met a boy. And I am especially fond of him. He makes me smile and though he doesn't really express himself verbally, actions speak louder than words. I'm trying to take things slow and be calm and just let things happen on their own, and it feels really good, and I'm looking forward to the ride. I have reason to believe he'll be around for a while. Which is the way I want it. 


Having taken a semester off of school and then coming back this semester is draining me. And making me worry about the potential year off I'll be forced to take after this semester while I wait to turn 24 so I can apply for some financial aid without being considered a dependent of my parents. My dad has already paid for way too many years of college and its not fair of me to ask for him to pay for two more and what while most likely be a really freaking expensive private school since that's what my options are while living in Lynchburg, which I will be doing after my lease here in Radford Hell ends in August. (My options are Lynchburg College, Sweet Briar, or Randolph College, and I'm pretty sure all of them have tuition rates of over 20 grand... oy.) Anyways, having gone from last semester being just working two days a week, to taking 4 classes which is considered full time, and still working two days a week, and longer days at that! It's been a huge adjustment, and I've been sick with a really sucky sinus infection (which i conveniently gave to the baby that I watch so now he's sick too, and pitifully miserable, poor thing...) and missed some classes. Luckily I didn't miss many and didn't fall behind any from missing them (expect in painting, but the paintings aren't due until midterms so I have enough time to catch up if I put in a few Fridays when class doesn't meet) but I still feel so worn out, and hate having to constantly take cold medicines.

On that note, I'm settling in to be on my way to bed here shortly, so goodnight. 

The Joy of Books

I don't think that I'll ever truly understand people.

Which is weird for me to say, because in general, I'm really good at reading people. More often than I'd like, I can tell that someone's lying to me. But that doesn't mean that I understand why they're lying to me. And I can't understand why some people act the way the act, think the way they think, or do the things they do. 

These have been my thoughts recently. For the past month I've had these thoughts daily. They echo off the recesses of my brain and bounce, throwing me through loops. This is not pleasant. I'm going to break it down into parts, which are also kind of the events of the last month-ish. 


Let's start with my roommates. One of them is okay, but she works really hard at her job and in school, so she is hardly ever here. I don't have many issues with her, and when I do we can talk calmly and amicably until we get it sorted out. The other two have made me change my way of thinking. I think of them as thirteen year olds. I know that sounds harsh, but I'm not saying it to be mean. If I look at them as children about to go into high school, I can better understand and deal with their actions. I am more patient. Now you should understand that this is not their faults.

One of them was home-schooled, so she didn't get the experiences I had in high school, dealing with and interacting with drama, fights and arguments, secrets and fears. I envy that in a way. So this is the first time she's had to deal with girls. I mean its four girls living in a house, everybody could see the conflicts and drama coming from miles away. But this girl has no idea how to deal with that, or how to see how her actions and words will affect those around her and those she cares about, and she has very little idea of how to take care of herself (and even less motivation to do so). Living with her has given me a really good idea of the pros and cons of homeschooling, and while I think I would like to home school my children, I would do a few things differently than her mother did, but I would do a lot of things the same too. But I guess that's the beauty of homeschooling, you can do things your way.

In a book I am reading, it was saying one of the secrets to being happy is having a mind that's open to everything and attached to nothing. I've recently gotten a lesson in this first hand, and I'm learning to adapt my way of thinking because of it. This girl, for instance, is a hermit. She wants to sit in her room and be on her computer. This makes her come across unreliable, in that she breaks plans. Big ones, small one, doesn't matter. And that is something that I cannot change. She does not know how to think about how others will be affected by her actions, which makes her seem like she doesn't care. I believe it has cost her many friends, and it will continue to put strain on her relationships until she realizes that all relationships take work, and trust. But that is her lesson to learn and it is not one that I can teach her. So I had to learn not to be attached to plans with her, the easiest way I've found to do that is to not make plans with her. It happens all the time to lots of people, you ask a friend to go somewhere and they back out at the last second, and eventually you just stop asking. What's the point right? I've been asking myself that too: What's the point? What's the point of having expectations of people at all, when more often than not they'll only let you down? And most importantly, what's the point in continuing to cultivate a friendship with someone who I don't trust, can't depend on, and who's actions all too often show me that she doesn't think about anyone but herself and her immediate family? Why should I bother to care if she doesn't? I try to push those feelings out of my mind, and tell myself that she DOES care and just doesn't always know how to show it. 

I've also joined a book club and am in the process of joining a few other clubs in order to not only be out of the house as much as I can, but also to make new friends. I think that I am too reliant on her as a friend, which is why it bothered me so much to be hurt by her. I am unattaching myself from things, and while it may not be for the right reasons (I do it to protect myself from people hurting me and making me angry...) it does make me feel better. Once again, I have put my walls up. Now I just need to find a way to be free, but still protected.

My mother has always said that I give too much of myself to people, and she's right.


Now onto the other roommate. This one had overbearing parents who never let her out and never let anyone in to see her. I believe they also spoiled her. Not only in the sense that they gave her whatever she wanted (she has been taught that a tantrum is how to get what she wants, she does this both in the house, and with her boyfriend). They have also spoiled her in the sense that they have ruined her, at least in my opinion. She expects other people to clean up after her and do whatever she says, no discussion allowed. She's now having to learn that that doesn't fly. She has animals that she should not have and does not take care of, they would be much better off in other homes. I do believe she loves them though, she just doesn't know how to do what's best for them. She is one of the people who I will never understand. It did help to know that her parents kept her under lock and key her whole life though. I've had to adapt my way of interacting with her, mostly in that I cannot text her when I want her to do something or when she does something that bothers me, I need to talk to her in person. I also think its best for me to ask her to come out into the kitchen or living room, rather than talking to her when she's in her bedroom, and has no where to go. I think it makes her feel trapped, and more like she's being attacked, which just makes her defensive and nothing gets accomplished. 

Now onto the thing that haunts me and makes me question so many things. Yesterday a Virginia Tech police officer was murdered on VT's campus by a Radford student who stole a car the day before in Radford. [You can read the full police report here.] This officer had a wife and five children, and the report says that he had no connections to his shooter. This baffles me. The shooter, Ross Truett Ashley, was a 22 year old Radford student. He stole a car on Wednesday, and it was found on Virginia Tech's SmartRoad on Thursday. So he drove it to Blacksburg, and then went to a middle part of Virginia Tech's campus. He had a gun and a backpack full of clothes, which he changed into after he shot the officer. He then ran into the student parking lot and shot himself. Clearly, he was not mentally sound. But the fact that he had the backpack makes me believe that it was premeditated. He went there to kill someone. But why officer Crouse? Out of the twenty thousand people on that campus, why a police officer sitting in his car? It doesn't add up. The whole thing smells of a cover-up to me, but maybe the guy just really hated police officers. Which leads me to ask why he would drive all the way to Virginia Tech and kill a school police officers when there were Radford University and City cops here? I highly doubt that Officer Crouse was the first police officer he came across. On this subject, I do not hope to know the answers. I do not believe that I will ever know or understand the true motives of this man, nor will anyone else since he took his own life. This was another example of senseless, meaningless, tragic violence. At least it happened in a community that knows how to deal with this, all too well after the April 16th Massacre. I find comfort in the fact that the community WILL rally around Officer Crouse's family. If you would like to help, there is a memorial fund set up for them, that you can donate to. [Information Here]


All of these thoughts have been weighing on me rather heavily. No doubt they will continue to do so, but I'm trying to be flexible and resilient, and to learn from and adapt to the situations that surround me now. It's not easy, and I'll admit that I'm on the countdown until I can move out (7 months and 3 weeks), but I have work to do before I can make the decision on where I want to go from here. Regardless, the only place to go, is up. I'm also working to understand myself and my wants and my feelings better. 


Throughout this all, I have been so grateful for the two people in my life that I can trust and depend on 100%. One being my mother, of course. (My father too, but its not always easy to turn to him or to talk to him about things, especially emotions.) The other being my boss. But she's not only my boss, she's my mentor, my teacher, and my friend. Both my mother and I value her influence in my life more than any other person who lives where I live. I doubt I could keep my head on straight without her, because I talk to her about everything, and she always knows what to say to make me feel better. I love her deeply. She is family, and her family is my family now too. 


I think its time to go to Florida. I have family there too, not the kind I'm related to though, better than that because I chose them to be my family. I call them my wife and my husband, we joke that I'm married to them. [Backstory: I dated a guy who worked with husband, and he said he wanted to marry me, and I confided in husband and wife that I didn't feel right about it, and so they offered to let me marry them instead, they were better and who needs him anyhow. He was a jerk.] They also have two beautiful children, and I think I need some time down there with them. They're good for me. They're good to me too. They're good people. Unfortunately I think the earliest that will be possible will be spring break. But hey, its something to look forward to, right? 


Its a full moon tomorrow night, btw. 


Speaking of moons, its time for me to go to sleep now. Goodnight, moon.

you need to read this every single day until it sticks

You can spend days, weeks, months, or even years over analyzing a situation;

trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've, should've happened.

OR

you can leave the pieces on the floor 

and move the fuck on.

I believe in Magick.

Autumn is where my heart belongs, where it can be tempered by the early snows of winter and bound to the beauty of fallen, dead leaves. The air has a bite and the wind a fierce howl, driving you to the comforts that are so often left by the wayside: the hot cups of coffee, tea, and cider, the warm bowls of oats, and the sublime feeling of being wrapped in a blanket in front of a roaring fire, a book firmly grasped in hand. Yes, this is the season for me, where my soul is content, where I belong.

Today we celebrated Mabon, the second of the three harvest festivals. Today we give thanks. I have so very much to be thankful for. In the last turn of the wheel I have gained so much more than I have lost. I have gained a soulmate, my best friend, who I have bonded with in ways that cannot be torn apart. I have gained a family. A beautiful, wonderful family of a mother, father, and baby who have opened their hearts and home to me. I have gained a teacher, who is holding my hand and guiding me along the pathway to become who I believe myself to truly be. I have gained a home where I am safe and comfortable. I have gained a landlord that I actually like. I have gained a job that I love going to every day, and that pays me enough to pay my own bills and rent. 

Today, I participated in my first ritual. I was invited into a Magick circle and helped to complete a ritual of thanks and honoring the deities who helped to bring me the things that I have. Words will never be able to explain the feeling you get, surrounded by people you love with all your heart, calling to the four corners, your blood tingling as peace sweeps through your body. I was granted another very special gift, a rainbow appeared for us, which I have always taken as a sign that my Aunt is smiling on me, since she passed two years ago, and called me her rainbow girl. 

As the leaves begin to change, I am working to embrace the changes going on within me, as well as around me. The new year is coming up soon, and the next turn of the wheel will undoubtedly be a life-changing one, and with the crisp cool air comes promises untold. I am excited to see what comes, but I'm enjoying the anticipation. 

Merry meet

Merry part

Merry meet again.